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Life is pain....

...anyone who says anything different is selling something

Name:
maldyeuthanasia
Birthdate:
9 July
External Services:
  • maldyeuthanasia@livejournal.com
  • XxMorbydxGurlxX AIM status
Suicidal Study (or why i dropped the knife)
_______________________________________________

i have
a will to live

it may seem odd

i mean, c'mon now
if there was ever
a headcase
a poster child
for suicide
it should be me

right?

i went through those days
of slicing wrists
and refusing food
like all the other girls i know

apparently
hating yourself
is in our chromosomes…
as a girl
i was born
with a self loathing
that is as natural
and common
to a girl
as breasts are…

i got lost
somewhere along the tightrope
of prude and slut
depression seized me
nightmares
of rape
and broken hearts
were everyday occurances…
i spent
the
"best years of my life"
in hospitals
learning how to deal with reality…

you believed
that i would
probably
never amount to much
tried to keep it secret
but you didn't expect
me
to move past 16…
i could see it in your eyes
doomed to be
another teenage suicide
just a statistic
to be marked off and forgotten

meanwhile
i
took my pills
religiously
hated myself
almost as devotedly
i was too miserable to cut myself
and too tired to care

there were nights
i told myself
i had nothing left to live for…

but then

then

a little birdie spoke to me

i got off the medications
slimmed down, and saw
that i was beautiful
and
not only
because *he* said so
but
because i was…

i became inspired
driven
strong…

because

i realized

i have
this
will to live
to love
to succeed…

specifically
because i know

it will piss you off
afi, amalie, anorexic beauty queen, art, beautiful odd occurences, beauty, being alone, biting, black, bleeding, blood, books, breathing, bright eyes, cauterize, clothing, colleen, colored hair, crying, cursive, dandelion, dark, daydreaming, death, deep, derek, downpours, dreams, druidism, elves, emmy lou, england, euphoria, evanescence, eyeliner, eyes, fanfiction, fire, friends, garbage, garret, getting to know strangers, girls, glass, gothic stuff, graphics, graveyard, gray, green, green day, grind, grunge, guys wearing eyeliner, happyness, hiding, hippies, ink, irish, jack off jill, jamie, japan, jason, k's choice, kurt cobain, lingerie, love, macabre, marcyplayground, mayhem, metal, moon, morbid, murder junkies, music, mutilation, my suns, mysterys, nature, needle, nightmares, nine inch nails, nirvana, nofx, observing, ohm, orgy, paganism, pain, painting, parties, peircings, photography, piercings, pink, placebo, plague, plaid, playground, poems, poetry, poison, pretty girls make graves, punk, purple, quiet, raechelle, rain, rainbows, rancid, reading, real, red, riots, rocky horror picture show, sad, sadistic, salvay, sara, scars, screaming, self-expression, sewing, shows, singing, soulmate, stars, stop motion breathing, sublime, suicide, taking awesome pix, tatoos, the bitter end, the clash, the dresden dolls, the goddess, the letter x, the moon, the pettit project, the transplants, the used, todd, tool, trees, vampires (opyri), vegetarianism, vintage, water, wicca, writing.

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